it's not gonna be easy

As of right now, I'd  compare how I'm feeling to the famous quote from The Notebook--- "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day."--- Yeah, it's cliche and all, but really it explains how i feel perfectly. It's been really hard lately for me dealing with this distance and not having him here with me. I don't know why but it's just the hardest it's ever been. I can't go a day without thinking about it and how it sucks having to wait. It actually makes me really depressed. Probably the most depressed I've been in a while. I'm still happy with life, don't get me wrong, but this has just been dragging me down to the point where I can't even think straight. I don't want to break up with Will, I don't. It's just really hard to deal with. I think maybe the stress of school may be a factor because it's just a lot on my plate to think about at once. It sucks not having him around when I'm stressed and when I just want a hug. He's not around to cheer my up and make me better. He's not around to hold my hand or to fall asleep next to me. It's hard and sometimes I think people don't get how hard it is for me. On the outside I make it seem easy, but deep down, it's really tough, and they don't get that. When other girls talk about seeing their boyfriends, it makes me want to cry. They don't get how I feel when I can't see my boyfriend like they can. Even if they see their boyfriend every few weeks, they don't realize how lucky they are. I'd absolutely kill to see Will every few weeks, and they don't get that.

I've been a mess lately and I hate it. Hate, hate, hate it. My insides feel like they're just in a jumble and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make myself feel better. I feel like I can't feel better and the only way would be is to see him. I don't want to wait. Each day I have to wait, it just hurts me more and more. I've been crying more lately and being more grumpy and bitchy and wanting to be alone lately. It's not good, I don't know what to do. I wish I knew when I was going to see him. Sometimes when I'm upset I try to look forward to something that's coming up, like have a countdown to something good. But I feel like nothing good is happening in my life. There's nothing good to look forward to and it depresses me. I just don't know how to handle this. It fucking sucks and I don't think anyone understands and that hurts. God, please just give me a miracle and let me be happy. Please do something good for me, I need it.