it's not gonna be easy

As of right now, I'd  compare how I'm feeling to the famous quote from The Notebook--- "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day."--- Yeah, it's cliche and all, but really it explains how i feel perfectly. It's been really hard lately for me dealing with this distance and not having him here with me. I don't know why but it's just the hardest it's ever been. I can't go a day without thinking about it and how it sucks having to wait. It actually makes me really depressed. Probably the most depressed I've been in a while. I'm still happy with life, don't get me wrong, but this has just been dragging me down to the point where I can't even think straight. I don't want to break up with Will, I don't. It's just really hard to deal with. I think maybe the stress of school may be a factor because it's just a lot on my plate to think about at once. It sucks not having him around when I'm stressed and when I just want a hug. He's not around to cheer my up and make me better. He's not around to hold my hand or to fall asleep next to me. It's hard and sometimes I think people don't get how hard it is for me. On the outside I make it seem easy, but deep down, it's really tough, and they don't get that. When other girls talk about seeing their boyfriends, it makes me want to cry. They don't get how I feel when I can't see my boyfriend like they can. Even if they see their boyfriend every few weeks, they don't realize how lucky they are. I'd absolutely kill to see Will every few weeks, and they don't get that.

I've been a mess lately and I hate it. Hate, hate, hate it. My insides feel like they're just in a jumble and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make myself feel better. I feel like I can't feel better and the only way would be is to see him. I don't want to wait. Each day I have to wait, it just hurts me more and more. I've been crying more lately and being more grumpy and bitchy and wanting to be alone lately. It's not good, I don't know what to do. I wish I knew when I was going to see him. Sometimes when I'm upset I try to look forward to something that's coming up, like have a countdown to something good. But I feel like nothing good is happening in my life. There's nothing good to look forward to and it depresses me. I just don't know how to handle this. It fucking sucks and I don't think anyone understands and that hurts. God, please just give me a miracle and let me be happy. Please do something good for me, I need it.

Happy.

I don't know what has come over me today but today has been a pretty intense day in some ways. I woke up this morning to a text saying "you are my sunshine". That was one of the best texts I could wake up to. It was a great start to my morning. I walked to class with a smile on my face. All day I couldn't stop thinking about Will and I don't know why. A voice in my head kept telling me that I'm head over heels in love with him. I'd already known this, but today, it hit me like a ton of bricks how much I really love him and how much he means to me. It's really an overwhelming feeling. It's a good feeling, but bad in the sense that I can't share it with him in person in this moment. I wish we could be together, but the distance keeps us apart. We are so strong though, our love is real and it keeps us together. We look forward to the time we get to spend with each other.

We're back on track so to speak. When we talk now, neither of us are boring and we have things to talk about. The conversation flows and I never want it to end. This is the way I like it. I missed this.

It's been a while.

Life has been on the hectic side the past few weeks. School is wearing me out already and it's only been two weeks. I love it though. I like my classes, they aren't tough. I love the girls I'm living with. I'm living with eight other girls and they're all really cool. I've made it through the weekends though a few bad things have happened. I threw up the first Friday and lost my wristlet that had my camera, ID, liscense, room key, mail key, and $5. That was a complete disaster. I apparently left it on the bus while I was drunk. I luckily recovered it. My mom would've killed me if I hadn't.

I need to stop drinking so much. It's becoming a problem. It used to be I'd either be sober or drunk out of my mind and black out. There was never an in between. I never knew how to get to that point. I'd just keep on drinking and drinking and then black out, get sick, and be hungover for the entire next day. I don't want to be like that anymore. It's not fun. I want to remember my night and have a good time. And last night I did just that. I was tipsy and I had a good time. Though all my friends were dancing with guys and I was dancing by myself, I still had a good time. You have no idea how proud of myself I am. High five for Kerry! I even wore out heels last night. God that was a huge mistake. Heels fucking kill. Never doing that again.

And on to the one factor in my life we all know I love to talk about, my boyfriend. Things have been back and forth lately. For a while we hardly had time to talk to each other and it kind of put this distance between us. A distance that I really didn't like. Then when we do talk, we never have anything to talk about, yet on the phone and in person we can't stop talking. And oh yeah, the whole phone deal. Besides the other day and last night. We hadn't talked on the phone for like 3 weeks. That' not normal for a couple, to almost go an entire month not talking on the phone. That really kind of upset me. I was scared that he was making excuses and that he's doing something behind my back. But you know what? I believe him, I trust him. Also, the two of us have been getting really irritated with each other, getting pissy. But I think we're both stressed, so I'm not gonna let that affect me. Overall, I know things will get better. I just want to see him. But really, Will is the best thing that has ever happened to me, I'm not just saying that. He brightens my day everyday. He keeps me going. He makes me feel good. I just love him to death.

I realize.

So it's come to my attention that I should rename my blog because all I talk about is my boyfriend, and I can see that. I tried to start it off by not being that way, but what can I say, he just always comes up. I don't have many friends. I didn't really hang out with the ones I have a ton this summer. The one thing that is consistent in my day to day life right now is him... well and my family. He's the only interesting thing going on in my life lately.

But on a different note, school starts on Sunday. I'm actually really excited. And not just because I can drink and party, but I'm also excited for classes, although I have to take 5 this semester, one more than usual. I think I can handle it, I just need to get better grades than the ones I got last semester. But that was because of one dick of a teacher giving me a horrible grade on a project that I put a ton of effort into. We won't get into that though right now.

Other than being excited, I am super stressed. I have 5 days to get ready for school. I haven't really started to pack anything yet and I still need to buy a few things. This is the time of year when I get really anxious. Clutter and unorganization make me really ancy and uncomfortable and right now I feel super unorganized. I still have stuff I never unpacked in my garage, stuff I took up to my room, and even things in the attic. I don't even know where to start.

Then, to top it all off, my friends are bugging me to hang out and I feel too stressed to do so. I feel if I spend time with them I'm only gonna be thinking, "Damn, I should be at home packing right now." I should really start getting into the packing thing but tomorrow I'm working and Wednesday I'm getting my tattoo. I don't know I just kinda wanna freak out. I know in the end it'll be fine though and I'll be all moved into my dorm and it'll be ok.

It's gonna be hard.

I don't want to wait three months to see you. I don't want to wait at all. I'm bored out of my mind and I wish I was with you. Things were so much better when I was there with you, we weren't bored. When we're together we always have something to laugh and talk about. Always. We always enjoy our time together. When we talk online we always run out of things to say and I don't even know why. I'm always afraid you're going to lose interest in me because of this. Because I'm so boring online. Please don't though. Because when we're together, it's amazing. Better than anything I could ask for.

I get the feeling it's gonna be harder this time. Harder than usual. I don't know why I even get this feeling. I hope we can make it through. I'm sure we can. It's just damn hard and I wish we didn't have all this distance between us. I just want you to move up here now so I can see you whenever I want to. I can't wait for that.

Is it weird?

Is it weird and typical of me to say that I can imagine me spending a long, long time with my boyfriend Will? I know that I'm still young and I'm only 20, but I really feel this way. I feel like we were meant to be, it was meant to be. I think it's weird that I added him as a friend on Teenspot when honestly, I rarely add people on there myself. It's like something possesed me to do so. I'm so happy that I did it though because now I have him. I've never been so happy in my life and so content. It just feels right when I'm with him.

In the past, I've been treated wrong. I've been abused and put down by my past boyfriends. I thought I was in love, but I was blinded. I just wanted to have a companion in life. I like the feeling of being wanted, I overlooked the horrible things in our relationships and waited for the good times which were sometimes very rare. Will has shown me what a real relationship is. He's shown me what love is. Love is wanting the other person to be happy no matter what, communicating, treating each other with respect, being honest and many more things. Our relationship has all of those. I've never communicated as well as I do with Will as with my boyfriends in the past. I can tell him anything and let him know how I feel about certain things and he doesn't get mad. I feel comfortable around him, I can just be myself and I know that he'll love me for who I am.

He makes me more happy than sad, which was what my first boyfriend had led me to do. I've only been upset with him a few times but they were things that I got over with time. I also made a really big mistake last year and he forgave me and he still continues to trust me. I am so thankful for that, I don't think he realizes how much I am. I learned my lesson and will never make that mistake again. I don't want to lose him because he's one of the greatest things that has happened to me in life.

When we're together all I can do is smile. He still gives me butterflies and I know he will for quite some time. I want to spend a long time with him. I've even thought of how he'd be as a father. Yes... I have, I admit that. And I think he'd be a great one. He may have grown up having a rough childhood but that doesn't mean that his kids have to as well. I know that if he were to move up north things would get much better. Will has changed alot since his childhood years and he's gained a lot of wisdom from that. I know that he is truly a good person. I know that with all of my heart. I know that he would want a good life for his kids and I think that we would make a great family.

Being away from him sucks though, but it's just something that I have to deal with. I look forward to the next time I see him because I know that every time we see each other it just becomes even more amazing. And I look forward to the day when there will be no more distance and we can be with each other forever.

Really?

I'm not happy right now. I was really wanting to see my boyfriend next week. And I thought I was. It makes me really sad that I have to wait until October. It's just really hard not having him around. My friend is trying to cheer me up, but she's only making it worse. She's been obssessed with the band Boys like Girls for ages and she loves the lead singer Martin, she's even met him who knows how many times, I forget. She's trying to compare the fact that I have to wait to see my boyfriend with her having to wait and see Martin. It is not the same thing! Seriusly, she's like I love him and I miss him blah blah so I know it's hard. No you don't know! You don't know at all! I said that she doesn't kiss him and snuggle him and have intimate moments with him and that it's hard not having that touch. She said they've snuggled and kissed but havent had sex and that it doesn't mean she doesn't love him.

I'm sorry, but I am in an actual relationship here. One where I'm in love and talk to him every chance I get. We share things with each other, we laugh with each other, we are physical with each other. She's not, and she's trying to compare that. She almost makes it seem like my relationship is a joke, and it isn't. She's never been in a relationship, she doesn't understand really how tough it is to be away from him. She'll realize some day I guess. But right now, she's making it all worse.

Another lesson.

I don't know what it's been the past few days but I've been learning my lessons left and right. Today it was when me and my dad were looking up tickets so I could fly and see my boyfriend next week, possibly. The tickets were way too expensive and I know my dad would pay for it, but I'd feel really bad. So I said it was too much and that I'd see him another time. I realized how lucky I am for the amount of times I have actually seen my boyfriend given the fact that we are so far away from each other. Me being in New Hampshire and him in Kansas. Plane tickets can be expensive. I've seen him 4 times since November and I realize how lucky I am.

Of course I would love to see him next week, it would be the best. But I know that I will see him sometime soon. I don't want to be spoiled and selfish and make my dad buy that ticket, if I had the money I'd buy it myself, but like I said before, if I want something, I usually get it. But this time I can wait. 

A few lessons.

I've realized that I take my life for granted most of the time. I don't realize how privileged I am with the things I have in my life. First of all, my family. I'm very close to them and I don't know what I'd do without them. They are the first people I go to when I need help. If I'm alone and sad, I go to them. If I need to feel comforted, they're right there for me. Me and my mom also have a really close relationship and I tell her everything, and I mean everything. I was worried that I might be pregnant and I went to her for advice and she didn't judge me, she helped me. Most girls moms would never do such a thing and I'm very grateful for her. I don't know what I'd do without my family if I were to lose them.

I also take for granted the money that my family has. I never realized how much money my family actually has. If I want to go to the store and buy a pair of jeans, my parents will let me. Most people can't live like that and I've gotten so used to growing up that way: getting what I want. I'm not a spoiled brat believe me. Because when I go out and spend maybe even $30 at Wal-Mart for things I don't completely need, I feel really guilty. I need to learn to save my money more wisely. Most families can't just go out and spend $30 on frivolous things and thinking on it now, I feel bad. I'm a bargain shopper though, I don't like to buy things fully price or even have brand name things and I'm happy that I'm that way.

The thing that made me realize all of this today was the fact that my dad brought home a Mustang Convertible to test drive that he will probably end up buying. We will then have four cars in our driveway. It makes me feel guilty whenever we have something new at our household and my friends find out. I just wonder how they feel and it makes me feel a little bit funny inside. I just wonder how life will be like when I'm an actual adult.